What Tiger Woods was really trying to say….

Tiger Woods official statement, his words are those in black.

As you all know, (because the media is curious and won’t leave me alone), I had a single-car accident earlier this week, (I can only drive one car at a time and cannot really remember the exact day or time of an accident), and sustained some injuries, (I looked in the mirror and can’t for the wife of me-sorry-the life of me, to tell you how I actually got them). I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore. (Actually, I am pi#$ed-off! When I finally come to my senses, I will probably give my wife a good tongue-lashing and remove her from my will.)

This situation is my fault, (I really am a stupid professional golf champion and have to save face for my wife, my family and career, “How did O.J. do it?”) and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again. (Please show me pity by what I say and not what I do.)

This is a private matter, (Everyone BUTT OUT!) and I want to keep it that way, (You ain’t getting anymore from me, leave me the heck alone). Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. (It’s all lies, lies and more lies, this will finish off all the rumors once and for all).

The only person responsible for the accident is me. (I’m playing the man is stupid card, yeah, that will work). My wife, Elin, (the smart, intelligent, sexy, blonde bombshell) acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. (I owe her everything, I am so stupid.) She was the first person to help me.(The only person and how stupid I was, she could have killed me with a golf club, just one good whack on the forehead). Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, (her plan didn’t work) our family and me, (I get the kids and divorce is not an option, she gets nothing as written in the prenupt). I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received.(Pests) But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be. (More Pests, The final BUTT OUT!!!!).